Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
