ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
