I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
