Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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