Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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