Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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