last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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