dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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