true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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