My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
