Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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this must be what syphilis tastes like
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot