there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.