hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
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Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
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Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.