respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I could make wine with my vomit
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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