I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
