your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
