Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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