I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
