Just fell off a train. Bad.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
no more duck duck goose at the bar
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
