I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
