If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
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I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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