Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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