and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
