Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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