I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Randomize
