I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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