look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I enjoy the company of your penis
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
