Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
