Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
