A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
