mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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