i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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