you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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