I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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