We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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