I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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