you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
