whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
