Where are you?
In a non slutty way
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
