i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
