I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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