Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm really busy with my period
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