I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
