my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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