Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
