I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
