I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
