Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
