I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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