I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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