How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
