I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
