a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
bring money and cleavage
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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