I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
