I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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